Let's Talk About Love, Sex & Infidelity

#271 | How Cheating Cheats the Cheater: What Infidelity Really Costs You

• Todd Creager • Episode 271

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0:00 | 9:56

What if the person most harmed by an affair isn't the one who was betrayed — but the one who did the betraying?

In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager returns to one of his most talked-about topics: the psychological cost of infidelity to the person who cheats. Drawing on over 30 years of working with couples, and through the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy, Todd breaks down why cheating is so often less about desire and more about escape — and what that escape actually costs.

At the center of this conversation is the IFS concept of "self-leadership." Todd explains that each of us has a core Self — sometimes called your higher self or best self — that is naturally compassionate, calm, curious, and clear. This is the part of you that, when in the driver's seat, gives you the capacity to show up fully in your life and your relationship.

When someone cheats, Todd argues, they've effectively handed those keys to what IFS calls a "firefighter" — a protective part of the psyche that distracts from pain, boredom, emptiness, or a wound that hasn't been addressed. The affair feels like relief in the moment. But it pulls the person further from the self they actually want to be. Add in the lying, the managing appearances, the fear of being found out, and suddenly two more parts — the manager and the firefighter — are running the show while the real self sits in the back seat.

Todd is careful here not to reduce any of this to moral judgment. He's seen too many cases where someone cheated after a job loss, a blow to self-esteem, or a long history of feeling alone — and the affair was a desperate reach for something that felt like connection. That doesn't make it okay, but it does make it understandable. And understanding it is what makes healing possible.

Whether the relationship survives or not, Todd makes the case that doing this inner work still matters. The protective parts that drove the affair — the firefighter, the manager — will keep running the show in future relationships unless the underlying wounds get addressed. Therapy isn't just about saving the marriage. It's about getting back in the driver's seat of your own life.

If you're working through the aftermath of betrayal — whether you're the one who was hurt or the one who caused the hurt — Todd's Infidelity First Aid Kit is a practical starting point. Find the link in the show notes.

Todd Creager — making the world safe for love.

If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.

Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass

Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT

Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach.  He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach.  (714) 848-2288.

You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at:  https://toddcreager.com  


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